If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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