you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
