It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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