I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
there's paper in my vomit.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
