Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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