I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
