just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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