Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I need a beard to bite.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
