If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
