Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
