There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
