I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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