just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
