you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
