Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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