Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
