Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
