Yo dont text me then not text me
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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