I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
