I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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