I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
