Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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