a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
