One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
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