I think my vagina is haunted
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
