You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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