I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
