Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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