Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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