The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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