I'm going to jail i love you
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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