i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
