he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
