you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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