I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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