I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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