it hurts more in the daytime
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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