I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
