the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
