I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
