dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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