he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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