i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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