JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
