What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
