It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
