Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
