Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
FUCK WHALES
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
