Swine flu. Run for my life!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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