Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
