dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
