Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
