i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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