Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
